01 / UPPER MID-DECKPT
Portugal
Good light. Reasonable wine. Increasingly crowded with passengers who have also noticed the problem.
- Balcony quality
- Excellent
- Titanification
- With lunch breaks
THE VOYAGE OF A LIFETIME. TECHNICALLY.
Yes, we're all
going down.
But some cabins
have balconies.
A discerning passenger's guide to making the most of the remaining voyage.
Find a better cabinNo guarantees regarding buoyancy.
FROM THE BRIDGE
Reports of a slight list have been reclassified as a new perspective.
BEVERAGE SERVICE CONTINUESACCOMMODATION, UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
Choose your deck wisely.
Water does not enter every
compartment simultaneously.
02 / QUIET AFT CABINUY
Uruguay
Politically boring, by popular request. Far from the engine room. Someone is grilling something.
- Deck atmosphere
- Unhurried
- Emergency response
- After the barbecue
03 / FIRST CLASSCH
Switzerland
Impeccable linens. Crew appears competent. Your invoice will arrive before the water does.
- Breakfast
- Precisely at 07:00
- Cost of staying dry
- Considerable
04 / FAR END OF THE SHIPNZ
New Zealand
Lovely views. Far from the shouting. Unfortunately, distance from the bridge does not constitute another ship.
- Scenery
- Unreasonably good
- Ship membership
- Still compulsory
05 / DINING DECKIT
Italy
The lifeboat paperwork is complicated. The espresso is not. Lunch remains a perfectly good reason to be here.
- Coffee during a crisis
- Non-negotiable
- Departure procedure
- Ask tomorrow
06 / SUN DECKGR
Greece
Blue sea. Excellent olives. The passengers are still debating what, exactly, counts as sinking.
- Sea view
- Exceptional
- Sense of urgency
- Philosophical
Cabin classifications are entirely satirical. Remaining normality: unavailable.
THE ONBOARD PROGRAMME
The orchestra
is still playing.
You might as well enjoy the music.
FORMAL ATTIRE OPTIONAL.EXISTENTIAL CONCERNS INCLUDED.
01
Eat well.
The tasting menu does not require a five-year plan.
02
Use the pool.
While it remains a separate body of water.
03
Dance a little.
The floor is doing some of the work.
04
Learn Portuguese.
If only to complain about the ship in another language.
05
Keep good company.
Some passengers are more reassuring than the announcements.
OFFICIAL COMMUNICATIONS
A word from management.
REGARDING THE ENGINE ROOM
Everything is proceeding.
Management acknowledges reports of smoke from the engine room. Beverage service remains unaffected.
Passengers are reminded that the word “unsinkable” was used in an aspirational capacity.
Warm regards,
The Management
Can the ship be saved?
Wrong website.
Where is safest?
Safe is no longer an available cabin class. May we interest you in a sea view?
Should I move?
Possibly. The carpet in your current cabin appears to be making a noise.
Is this a relocation service?
No. We offer neither relocation nor flotation. This is a joke with unusually good linens.
YOUR COMFORT REMAINS OUR PRIORITY